Soldier's torment
by Crazy
Summary: On the return trip to earth after a tragic Preventer mission, Duo dwells on the death of a friend and his fears. Minor character death. PG for language. FINISHED!
1. chapter 1

Author: _Crazy_

Pairings: _none _

Warnings: _language, mention of minor character death_

Disclaimers**_: I don`t own them, though I would LOVE to take a couple of them home with me.  I`m not making any money off them, *sob* just expanding my meager skills._**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Elbows on his knees, Duo concentrated his haunted gaze on the floor. He wanted to do *something*...anything to change what had happened.  
  
~She is another death on my bloody hands.~  
  
He lifted the hands in question, studying their roughness as a shuddering sigh passed his lips. ~*WHY*?~ He let his fingers slide through his chestnut hair, until he laced them behind his head.  
  
**_"Duo, s'okay ....you cant...change what happened  
....It..is *NOT* .....Your ...fault."_****  
  
Violet eyes flashed open at the memory. ~But it *IS* my fault! I killed her.~ Duo stood abruptly, drawing startled and concerned looks from his fellow Preventers. He avoided those looks, fearing the accusations that might be lurking within them, accusations that mirrored his own self-loathing.  
  
He intentionally found the farthest corner of the small shuttle, then leaned his throbbing head against a cool panel.   
  
~Oh Dear God, Hilde. Why you?~ He squeezed his eyes tightly, fighting the flood of tears that threatened to turn into an unending stream of waterworks.  
  
~Why didn't I stay on L2? I should have turned down the job offer from Une...then you would have been safe.~ Unconsciously he replayed the case. The initial bombings, then the cities on earth wiped out with chemicals,  soon followed by whole colonies. And then there was her abduction, and HIS salvage yard blowing up.   
  
He blinked hard. All the workers on his staff, gone in a matter of seconds. They found her a few days later, infected with an unknown disease. She…no, *they*, would not have been involved if he had stayed off the case.   
  
The tortured pilot shook his head, the thigh-length braid swinging softly behind him. ~No. Even if I had backed off or resigned, Somehow it would have happened anyway. Shinigami will forever haunt me.~ Memories of those the God of Death had already taken away, flashed through the forefront of his mind. His family, Solo, Father Maxwell, and Sister Helen, each torn from his life by the talon-tipped claws of Death. Now Hilde was added to the list.   
  
A tear coursed its way down his cheek. ~I brought death upon them all. The shadow that protects me during battle, also kills all that I hold dear. ~  
  
He took a shuddering breath and composed himself. As he turned, he caught Quatre and Wufei watching him. ~What of them? Will they die from to my curse? Am I meant to forever walk alone? No friends? …No lovers?~ His gaze lingered momentarily on Wufei then on to the back of Heero`s head. ~Perhaps the only way to protect them...~ He forced a weak smile, trying to hide the dark thoughts. ~would be to leave them before they succumb to Shinigami.~  
  
He caught Quatre's gaze and the smile faltered. Taking a deep breath, he looked away from the Arab. He couldn't bear the thought that he would loose any of them. Perhaps it would be best if he walked out of their lives forever.  
  
He returned to his seat opposite Wufei, who studied him thoughtfully. ~Maybe leaving will spare them…but it will damn me to a life of loneliness.~ Taking in the grace that was Chang Wufei, he came to his decision. ~Better me than them.~   
  
The smile tumbled again as his eyes unfocused.  
  
* * *  
  
Wufei watched Duo. The quietness was so unlike the American. They had all been hit hard when Hilde had died, but the braided pilot was the closest to her, even claiming once that she was like a little sister he would forever protect.   
  
Now, she was no longer around to look after. She was ripped from their midst by a manufactured disease with no antidote. The slow death had been made worse because she was a part of their adopted family. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, trying to erase the image that crept unbidden to his mind.   
  
There had been nothing they could do except stay by her bedside offering what emotional comfort they could. And now there was no bringing her back. **

  
**_Hilde_****_ looked up form the ledger as they walked_**

**_Into the yard office, her blue eyes so full of_**

**_life_****_.  The five of them had just come in from_**

**_Investigating another dead colony and were _**

**_exhausted_****_._**

****

**_Seeing their expressions, she came around the _**

**_Counter and ushered them into the back where_**

**_There was an employee kitchen.  There, she had_**

**_Made them a hearty meal and watched over them_**

**_until_****_ the last plate had been cleaned of food._**

**_Finally satisfied, she left them to discuss_**

**_Their next set of options._**

**_  
_  
Wufei rubbed his eyes with the fingers of one hand. That had been the last time they had seen her. When they had left the employee area, she was gone, the ledger notes strewn across the floor being the only sign of a struggle. They had been so engrossed in their discussion, they had not heard a thing.  
  
It wasn't until they caught the coward, that they had found her....  
  
Wufei swallowed hard and pushed past the memory.  
  
They had all taken turns watching over her, but Duo was the one that stayed the most, making sure to be there if she ever woke up. And she had, moments before she finally slipped away.  
  
**_Duo gripped her hand, not caring whether the_****

**_Disease was contagious or not.  Breathtakingly her_**

**_Eyes opened and she looked directly up at him._**

****

**_Faced with her soul filled eyes, he had tried to _**

**_Comfort her.  But, "Hilde, I am so sorry." Was all_**

**_That he could mange to choke out._**

****

**_She studied him from underneath heavy eyelids._**

**_"Duo…s'okay,,,you can't change what happened."_**

**_She paused a moment, her breath labored.  "It is_**

**_*NOT*_****_…your fault."_****_  That said, she released her  _**

**_final_****_ breath._**

  
 Wufei opened his eyes once again to study the American. He was concerned for him. The silence was unnerving. The haunted looks he gave everyone when he thought they weren't looking, were even worse. If putting a bullet through the bastard's head would have made things right, he would have done it. Even now, he would make Trowa turn the shuttle around, *if* it would change the past.  
  
He let out a long, even breath, trying to dispel the sudden anger that had risen. It hadn't been easy to let the lunatic live when they had caught up to him. Even before they had learned of Hilde's fate, there was a cry for justice from all the other victims.  
  
The Onyx eyed warrior shook his head at the memories.   
  
So many useless deaths.

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**__

A/N: I am proud of this little fic.  And, therefore, decided it needed to come out of the dusty corner of FF.N that it lay in.  Please let me know what you think.


	2. chapter 2

Author: **_Crazy_**

Pairings: **_none _**

Warnings: **_language, mention of minor character death_**

Disclaimers: **_I don`t own them, though I would LOVE to take a couple of them home with me. And I`m not making any money off them, just expanding my meager skills._**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

Foot tapping with nervous energy, Duo raked his fingers through unruly bangs. It had only been twenty minutes since he had made his decision to leave. It didn't take long after that for the doubts to begin plaguing him.  
  
Never before had he worried about being alone, but now.... He leaned back to stare at the ceiling. Who was he kidding? It had been so long since he had been on his own. ~I don't think I have the courage to do this anymore.~ A sarcastic sound escaped him.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
~ All I can do is try. How hard would it be to disappear once we get to the shuttle port? ~ He laced his fingers behind his head. ~ Yeah, I could jump another shuttle heading somewhere they'd never find me. I think I should stay on earth. L2 is the first place they'll look. ~ A Picture of Hilde flashed through his memory. ~ Uh...I don't think I could go back there anyway.... ~ He squeezed his brimming eyes shut.  
  
"Duo."  
  
~ There has * got * to be a place .... New York, Paris, London. ~ He listed off places using the fingers of one hand. ~ Um .... Naples, Rome. Nope. None of those will do. ~  He sighed softly when he realized those were all places that THEY would look in. He could just hear Quatre saying they are so 'Duo-like'. ~ Guess I should try something new. Something smaller, Like..Um ... ~  
  
"DUO!"  
  
The braided Preventer started violently. Eyes wide, he looked around feeling like the proverbial 'deer caught in headlights.'   
  
Finally his eyes came to rest on the features of a concerned Arab.  "Hey Quatre!" He drawled, trying to vie for time to let his heart to slow down. "Don't get your panties in a bundle." Tiredly, he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "What do ya need?"  
  
"Re-entry." Quatre enlightened. "Time to buckle up."   
  
Duo ducked his head in acknowledgement. "Thanks." He murmured as memories flooded him again.  
  
  
**_"What happened?" Hilde asked with concern.  
  
"Baka." Heero snorted as he helped Duo into   
a chair.   
  
"What? Tell me!" Hilde urged, bringing a   
first aid kit over.  
  
"Heero was driving." Wufei supplied, coming   
in the front door, carrying an armload of   
groceries.  
  
Hilde threw a glare at the messy haired man.  
  
"That's right. It was HIS fault!" Duo whined.   
  
"No Duo, it is YOUR fault." Quatre provided,   
following the Asian.  
  
"Quatre! Whose side are you on anyway?" Duo   
barked incredulous. "He was the one driving!   
Doesn't he know how to STOP? Oh no! He just   
decides to go right through any obstacle.   
Passengers-be-damned!"  
  
"YOU were warned." Was all the Arab would say   
in his defense.  
  
"If you had worn your seatbelt, you would be   
just fine." Wufei pointed out, as he headed back   
out the door, passing a chuckling Trowa.  
  
"But, Bu....HE... Who's idea was it to let the   
maniac drive anyway?" Duo pouted.  
  
Heero purposefully bumped his wounded leg.  
  
"OW!"  
_**  
  
That had been a good day for them. Despite the bickering, they had all had a good laugh in the end. And Hilde had been alive.... It always came back to Hilde.  
  
Duo pulled the straps tighter, before wiping the stray tear that slipped down his cheek. He remained unaware of the hard blue eyes that studied him through the reflection of the cockpit window.  
  
* * *  
  
Heero`s brow creased a moment when he saw the tear. He was having such a hard time controlling his emotions, and it pained him to see the others struggling as well. His hands clenched in his lap, turning his knuckles white. He had not been close to Hilde, but she  
had been a part of their family, a part that had slid into his little world without him noticing. Perhaps he would have never noticed, except now she was gone, leaving a gaping hole that was rendering his world vulnerable.   
  
He still had some grieving to do himself, but Duo concerned him more. The American was so distant now. He stared down at his fists. It was almost as if he were slipping away....  
  
~"I...run and...hide..."~  
  
Startled at the thought, Heero brought his head up and stared at the sad face in the window reflection. ~ Duo, don't run from us. If not for yourself, please do it for us....Do it for me. ~   He continued to watch as the braided man wrapped his arms around himself. ~ It's time to stop the running, Duo. ~  
  
With a sigh, he turned his attention to the task at hand. As much as he wanted to get up and shake some sense into Duo, now was not the time.  
  
"Head Quarters, this is P shuttle 2 asking for re-entry clearance."  Heero monotoned into a com unit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. chapter 3

Author: Crazy

Pairings: none 

Warnings: language, mention of minor character death

Disclaimers: I don`t own them, though I would LOVE to take a couple  
of them home with me. And I`m not making any money off them, just expanding my meager skills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Headquarters?" Heero called again.  
  
"...."  
  
He flipped a few more switches. "Headquarters?"  
  
"Hea...om...gain...al......point one."  
  
"Repeat again."  
  
"...."  
  
"Headquarters this is P shuttle 2. Please repeat."  
  
"...."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Yeah. That's what I would say." Duo said sarcastically, attempting to boost his own spirits. Unfortunately, his heart didn't even flinch. It was still lying heavy in his chest, hiding, unsuccessfully, away from the rest of the world. "Why are you bothering with that anyway, Heero? It seems such a waste of time. We never called for clearance when we had our Gundams."  
  
"Baka."   The copilot growled, preoccupied.

  
"I guess I should have expected that comment from you." Duo said, withdrawing into himself again. "Couldn't you come up with something new?" His voice drifted off.  
  
"Duo, it's standard protocol." Quatre interrupted, a quizzical look on his face.   
  
" What?" They don't want a bunch of Ex-Gundam pilots wandering about the Earth without their knowledge? You'd think they were afraid of us or something."  Snorting in defiance, he looked away, only to notice he had gained a glare from the dragon in the seat across from him. "Wu, are you trying to ignite me with that look?"   
  
Wufei studied him a moment, wondering which Duo he disliked more, the one that had been moping around an hour ago, or this smart assed version. It only took him a moment to realize the answer was neither.  "Duo, that is enough. Do you think she would want you to go on like this?"  
  
"What do you know?" The enraged American shouted. "I have no CLUE what she wants, she isn't here to tell me!." His right hand sliced an arc through the air as he continued. "She will *NEVER* be here to tell me!." Sobbing, he wrapped his arms around himself again. ~ Never. ~ He squeezed  
tighter. ~ Never again. ~  
  
Lips tight, Chang only shook his head. He was at a loss. Duo was building a wall around himself and it seemed he had only succeeded in making it worse. Angry with himself, the Asian rubbed his temples.   
  
"Duo…."  
  
"SHUT UP, Quatre! What do you know anyway, Mister 'Protocol' Bullshit? Just fuckin` LEAVE_ME_ALONE!" Eyes shut tight, he drew his legs up to his chest, resting his feet on the edge of his seat. ~ Why can't they understand? I need to be left alone. Don't *TRY* and make me forget. ...I can't forget her or *ANY* of them... Don't they get it?.... ~  
  
Quatre winced at the venom in Duo's words. There seemed to be something fatal behind them. Taking a deep breath, he turned away. It wounded his heart deeper then he wished to admit. All he wanted to do was help his braided friend. ~ He knows that. Deep down he knows.~  Quatre thought to himself. ~ There is something more that I am missing. ~ He rubbed at his chest, trying to ease the emotional ache.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo was jarred from his inner pummeling by the violent shaking of the shuttle. "Trowa, what's with the roller coaster ride?" He called to the brown haired pilot while readjusting his harness. Answered with silence, he looked up. Before them, the earth loomed large in the cockpit window. Something twisted in his gut. "Trow?" He pleaded. 

"A ... little ... busy." Came the clipped reply.   
  
Without regard for his own safety Duo unhitched himself and stumbled to the front. "What can I do?" He asked, barely keeping his balance as the ship rocked again.  
  
"Sit down!" Came a growl from his right.  
  
Startled, Duo looked into the fierceness of Heero Yuy. "Why Heero, someone might think you cared." He quipped as he studied the fire in the other's eyes. ~ Do you? ~ A little voice cried out inside, taking him by surprise.  
  
The shuttle bucked again. Quickly Heero grabbed his arm with a vise-like grip, until he could catch his footing again. "Sit Down." The Japanese Pilot repeated, in a softer tone, once he was satisfied Duo was stable enough for him to let go.  
  
Stunned at the fear that had flashed through the perfect soldier's eyes, Duo looked away, only to find himself confronted with the earth in all its beauty.  
  
It was then that he realized, ~ No, I don't want to leave them, and I don't want to die either.~ If not for his friends, he would have left this life long ago. Suicide had played through his thoughts more then once, the only thing holding him back being his fellow Gundam Pilots. They had banded together, survived a war together. They were the only family he had. It was them, the only important things in his meaningless life. They were his family, his brothers, and the ones he loved. They meant more to him then his own life. 

He stared out the window, unable to look away, his senses overwhelmed by a fear he had always tried to run from, a realization he didn't want to face. ~ I know I am not the real cause of death. I am just afraid of loosing those who are close to me. ~ He finally closed his eyes. ~They mean too much to me now. I don't want to be alone anymore. ~

He found his seat by touch alone, and while his hands automatically redid the harness, his mind sent out a mental plea. ~Please God, don't take them from me now. They don't deserve to die.... ~  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:  Well that is that.  *dusts her hands off*  

*sees the angry glares and backs up*   Actually it….it really is.  *Gulps*  This is where I left off the last time…….

I really like this ending because I finally led Duo through to what he was truly fearful of.  It works for me.  And actually, I kinda think this makes a good Prelude to another fic I am working on.  Unfortunately that story is not ready for daylight.  Please be patient.  Many sections are being fleshed out at the moment, I just need to add some filler between the angst and action.

Okay, on that note, I will close now by saying ~ let me know what you think.  Please review.

~ Crazy 


End file.
